


Living Without You

by stephswims



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2019-06-26 01:34:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15653064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stephswims/pseuds/stephswims
Summary: Post 6x23.  I’ve been missing happy Olicity especially since my dash is filled with GIFs from 3x23.  I don’t know where this is going, but it is going to be Felicity & William centric with happy Olicity flashbacks.Disclaimer: I own nothing.





	1. Week 1

“Lyla, I don’t think this is a good idea.” Felicity’s stare was icy. There was a time when she considered John and Lyla family, but she was just too angry for that, ever since Oliver turned himself in last night.

“It’s only until Diaz is captured,” Lyla pleaded although she was too matter-of-fact for Felicity’s liking. This was exactly the way of thinking that ended her up in an Argus safe house right now. Yes, by turning himself in, Oliver granted immunity for the rest of the team, but he didn’t think about how she would feel, how William would feel. She glanced over at William sulkily looking out the window.

“His mother died, and his father gets carted off to prison for the rest of his life. He has his stepmother who he hasn’t even known for a year being his sole provider, and now you want him to pretend that I’m his mother?” Felicity had tried to keep her voice down, but she was getting quite close to using her loud voice. “Lyla,” Felicity softened her voice, hoping William couldn’t hear, “Please don’t do this to him. I’m already worried about how he…we are going to handle this.”

“Felicity, you’re good at math. Statistically, it is safer for you to be a mother-son team. Less suspicious.” Felicity slumped in her chair. She knew statistically Lyla was right, but she also knew the psychological damage that was already done to this poor boy, and she wanted to protect him from any more damage if possible.

“Fine,” she agreed reluctantly.

“Here’s your new ID’s, Mary and Clay Johnson. There’s hair dye in the bag along with some new clothes for both of you, and here’s the keys to the car waiting outside.” Felicity bit her lip to keep from crying. She had to be strong, for William.

*****

“Ready, Bud?” Felicity tried to make her voice soft as she exited the Argus bathroom. She dyed the tips of her hair pink and could smell the ammonia, practically making her eyes water. At least it would be a good excuse if she broke into tears at any moment. If it wasn’t bad enough that her husband was taken away from her, all her belongings were too. She had to leave behind all her tech toys besides the burner phone Argus gave her and her beautiful wardrobe….and shoes. She looked down at her black tank top and dark jeans. At least her new wardrobe reflected her current mood. She wrapped an arm around William…or Clay and led him to the door. She would never get used to calling him that, and she didn’t want to.

“Thanks, Lyla.”

And with that, they were gone.

*****

It had been sixteen hours of driving, and William had yet to speak a word. She remembered when Oliver first took guardianship over him and how he struggled with school, and she was dreading having to go through that again with him. This poor innocent boy deserved more than a life in hiding, and she could feel her body temperature increase as anger boiled within her. Oliver had made a decision that impacted not only her, but William as well. He emotionally hurt his son, and right now, Felicity didn’t think she could ever forgive him for that.

“Hey bud, I don’t want you to call me Mom, just call me Mary.” She tried to keep her voice light for his sake.

“What if someone asks how we’re related?” Felicity was relieved to hear his voice. Since leaving the precinct last night, William had not spoken, just shook his head to specific questions.

“We will tell them I’m your mother, but we live an alternative lifestyle.” She cringed as soon as she said it, but she heard William snort.

“Hey, we’re going to be ok,” Felicity said softly, trying to reassure him, as she lightly squeezed his arm.

“I know. Remember that night we had our first family meeting?” William had turned to look at her as he spoke, relaxing her even further. She had very little parenting experience, but she was relieved that William was talking to her and interacting with her. She was terrified that after last night he would completely shut her out and turn into one of those angry pre-teens. She nodded slowly in response to his question keeping her eyes on the road.

“I meant what I said, Felicity. I’m glad I have you if I can’t have Dad.” Felicity dug into her bottom lip. She wished she could see Oliver one last time to give him the slap across the face that he deserved.

“William, you will always have me. I’m going to fight for your father, find some way to get him out, but I will not do anything that will put you in danger or abandon you. I want you to understand that.” Felicity glanced over at him to see him nodding and a silent tear running down his cheek.

“I know.” Felicity didn’t think he did know though. His mother died because of a vendetta against his father, the Green Arrow. He gave up living a normal life when he came to live with Oliver, and it wasn’t his choice. It wasn’t fair.

“Hey, let’s stop at a tech store. I’m going to get a laptop. Why don’t you pick out which video game system you want to start with and some games? Then, we’ll stop for some dinner and a hotel for the night.”

*****

Felicity was really hoping that this was going to get easier. Although they had come to an understanding about the name situation and talked minimally about how things were going to change, William still was not responsive, or as responsive as Felicity hoped he would be.

“Raisa will be there when we get there,” Felicity said as they got back into the car for another long day of driving. She saw him nod from the corner of her eye, but he didn’t say anything.

“It’s a nice little house in a small town right outside of Coast City. It should be warm, and it’s only a little drive from the beach. There’s mountains nearby too if you want to go there, and the school has all the AP classes that you were looking at back home.” She internally cringed when she said it. She didn’t know if they would ever be going back home. The FBI had promised to take Diaz down, but if Diaz could infiltrate an entire city government and police force, Felicity had no problem believing he could infiltrate the FBI. The only organization Felicity would trust to take down Diaz would be Argus, but they weren’t getting involved. Lyla was just helping them out with safehouses. As long as Diaz was still around, they would be in an Argus safe house. It wasn’t Felicity’s first choice. She personally wanted to take down Diaz, but she couldn’t do that when she was William’s sole provider. She wouldn’t do that to him.

*****

Felicity probably had a harder time adjusting to their new home than William did. It was a cute three bedroom rancher with a gorgeous kitchen, but Felicity felt on edge the entire time. She vowed to never let William out of her sight. Just this morning, she walked him to school and watched until the Argus agent turned teacher nodded at her like every other morning this week. Then, she walked to work to serve friendly neighbors coffee and croissants and make small-talk. She had always been a nice person and genuine. She easily smiled and talked, but there were constant pin pricks behind her eyes. She wasn’t happy, but she was hopeful that it would get better, for William’s sake. At the end of her shift, she grabbed a to-go coffee and headed back to the school to pick William up. She habitually checked that her hand gun was in her purse. Head on a swivel. That’s what John always used to say. She could feel her body temperature rising again. Oliver had given John the suit the morning he turned himself into the FBI. John could have stopped Oliver’s plan. Maybe if he had, Oliver would be here right now. She quickly brushed a runaway tear off her cheek as the school came into view. She needed to be strong for William.

She spotted the Argus agent waiting next to William and immediately sped up. This wasn’t the normal pickup routine that they had developed the past four days. Every other day this week, the Argus agent would simply watch from a short distance as William waited with the other kids. Felicity could feel her heart in her throat from the change. She dropped her coffee ran to William. She crouched in front of him before she realized that this kid had gone through another growth spurt and was almost as tall as she was, especially since she had left all her beautiful heels at home.

“Buddy, are you ok? What’s wrong?” Her hands were immediately checking him, following paths that they knew too well from checking his father after some dangerous missions.

“He’s fine,” The Argus agent replied coldly, “just got into a little bit of a fight.” Felicity looked from the agent to William, who looked perfectly fine, no bumps, cuts, bruises. He held up his right hand for her to see, and she understood without the need for words. She nodded at William and took his hand gently.

“Thank you.” She muttered the words icily without looking at the agent and guided William towards home.

*****

Felicity dropped her bag on the floor and kicked the door shut behind her. She turned and locked all three locks before discarding her sneakers.

“I’m sorry.” She could barely hear the apology, but she couldn’t blame him. Of course, he was angry. She could barely control her own anger, and she was the adult. She gave him a tight smile and squeezed his shoulder.

“Let’s talk about this after dinner. Get your books. Into the kitchen. I have a cooking lesson I am late for.” She watched him grab some books out of his bag and followed him into the kitchen. It had become their nightly routine when she wasn’t working evening hours at the coffee shop. He set his schoolwork at the island and hopped into one of the stools as Raisa set a glass of milk in front of him.

“Welcome home, Miss Mary, Mr. Clay.” Felicity was thankful that Argus had agreed that Raisa needed protection too. She was also thankful that Raisa had agreed to stay with them. Oliver had told her about William’s nightmares and how Raisa used to ease him back to sleep when William first came to live with him. She thought having Raisa would help William adjust, but she had to laugh at herself. How does a kid adjust to his father being in prison?

“Thank you, Miss Raisa,” Felicity replied lightly, forgoing her new assigned name, “What are we making tonight?”

Felicity was all worry, all the time now. William was her responsibility, and she vowed to never let anything happen to him, but she was learning to wrap her worry in smiles and jokes and love. She tried to keep her anger hidden, but she feared it would escape her one day, and her worst fear was that it would be directed at William. She tied an apron around her jeans and joined Raisa at the counter. She was determined to give William a life as normal as possible, so she was having Raisa teach her how to cook. She wasn’t sure how that was supposed to equate to normal right now, but in her mind it did.

*****

“Your homework was perfect tonight. Now, William, why don’t you tell me what happened at school today?” Felicity asked gently as she sat on William’s bed.

“Aren’t you supposed to call me Clay?” William asked back. She wasn’t sure if he was challenging her or not. She knew that was something kids did from her parenting books, but William was always so sweet with her, so she couldn’t imagine it.

“I can’t. It’s not your name. It’s not the name that your mother gave you. I can’t take that away from you.” Felicity blinked back her tears as she gently squeezed his arm. He looked so ashamed in that moment, staring at his tightly wound fingers.

“I punched a tree,” he said softly. Felicity felt the breath leave her. He was just like Oliver. Damn Oliver. His damn temper. Leaving her here to raise his child with another woman. Hurting his child by abandoning him. Oliver knew what her own father’s abandonment did to her. He should have thought about that before leaving William.

“Did you win?” Felicity asked softly, causing William to chuckle.

“Nope.” Felicity had noticed William pop his “p” just like she did. She genuinely smiled at him and for the first time since Oliver turned himself in, she felt a little bit of peace. This was Oliver’s child, but Felicity had grown to love him like he was hers, and he was hers.

“Well, we’re going to that sporting goods store first thing tomorrow morning. I have the late shift at the café, so we have to go before then.” William gave her a questioning look, but she just winked as she stood and walked to the door.

“Goodnight, William.”

*****

This was the time of day Felicity hated most. She let the hot water wash over her as the smell of shampoo and soap wafted around her. She hated being alone, not just alone, but without Oliver. She couldn’t bear the thought of never seeing him again, never touching him again. They used to take showers together all the time, especially when she first moved in with them. They used it as a sound barrier, so William wouldn’t be scarred for life of what his father did to his stepmother. She smiled at the memory and felt the pin pricks again. That’s all she had left, were memories. If she closed her eyes, she could practically feel Oliver’s lips on hers, feel his body moving with hers.

She sighed as she turned off the water. Those memories wouldn’t do any good now.

*****

She turned her laptop on as she climbed into bed, the way too big bed. She felt lost in it. She felt lost without Oliver. She promised William that she would never abandon him or let anything happen to him, but she also had to find a way to help Oliver. She couldn’t do whatever it took to get him out of prison because of William, but she had to find a way. She would not give up. On her tiny laptop, she hacked into the prison’s security cameras as she did every night. In the background she let it play, occasionally stopping her work to watch. Tonight, like most nights at this time, he was on his cot. She could she him holding the picture that she had given John to give him. It was her and William, his light and the very best part of him. Tears immediately sprang to her eyes, and in the darkness of her bedroom with just the light of her computer, she let them fall. The footage was grainy, but she could make out his face, and it gave her the energy to start her homework for the night.

First, she tracked her mother. Her nightly ritual was to make sure that Donna was still ok, that Diaz hadn’t gone to her in an attempt to find Felicity and William.

Second, she read the Star City news being careful to leave no web trace that would allow someone to track her. Crime rates were outrageous, and convictions were at an all-time low, but she didn’t find any news about her old team. They must be planning their next move, but they were okay for now, so she moved on to her third and last task.

She wished Laurel were alive. It would make what she was doing so much easier. She knew she would eventually fall asleep like this, reading laws, writing algorithms to look for loopholes within them. This was the fifth night working like this, and she had barely gone through any laws. There had to be something, some loophole, that she could take back to Samanda Watson to free her husband. She would not get a restful night of sleep until she found one.


	2. Another Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really know the purpose of this anymore; I just had so many feels and had to get them out.

Felicity rolled over in search of warmth but got a hard jab in the rib instead from her laptop.  She slowly opened her eyes, her glasses crooked, and peaked at the clock. 2:30 am.  She remembered noticing the time a little after one when she was reading through law text books online, so, at most, she slept for just over an hour.  She sighed heavily and drug herself out of bed, her eyes aching from lack of sleep, reading, and crying.  Her body physically ached from the obscure position she fell asleep in, and her chest felt tight.  She knew it was the oncoming of a panic attack, but she didn’t have time for that.  Even if it was barely three in the morning.

 

She took some deep breaths as she walked shakily to the bathroom, shedding her clothes as she went.  She turned the water hot as it would go and got in the shower, letting the initial cold water spray her, further taking her breath away.  She sat on the shower floor and hugged herself, letting the tears completely consume her, wracking her body with sobs.  In the six years she worked with Oliver, she cried.  A lot.  She cried for his humanity, for his family, for his past and his future.  She cried because he acted like he didn’t trust her, because he didn’t trust himself.  She cried because she thought he was dead…numerous times.  But tonight, she cried for William and, if she was being honest, for herself.  She was so, so angry with him. 

 

She wanted to use her loud voice on him.  She wanted to hit him, smack some sense into him.  She wanted to feel him, or even just see him.  Her big idiot.  He always said that William and she deserved more than a life on the run.  That was one of the reasons he turned himself.  Funny how that’s how they were now living.

 

She knew he could easily break out.  She looked into it the first night they arrived at the safehouse.  Even without her tech prowess, he could disarm all the guards and disable all the security systems himself.  Sometimes, she daydreamed that he would breakout and surprise her in the coffee shop, sweep her off her feet and into his arms.  How she missed his arms.

 

*****

 

Felicity just turned on the coffee pot when she heard it, a soft moan, and she instantly tensed.  She grabbed a knife from the cutting block and quietly made her way to William’s room.  How Oliver could think they were safe when Felicity was the one protecting them was humorous to her.  He was always surprised when she fought off a physical attacker, even though she had done it quite a few times, and he had always teased her during their training sessions, which, now that she thought about it, might have just been out of flirtation.

 

As she entered the hallway, Raisa came out of her room and sighed softly.

 

“It’s just a nightmare, Miss Felicity.”  Her voice was soft and comforting, and Felicity felt herself relax as she lowered the knife.  She felt a pang in her chest.  This wasn’t the first nightmare this week, and Felicity had yet to figure out how to deal with them.  She simply nodded at Raisa and let her enter his room.  She stood in the hallway numbly, not knowing what to do but feeling the guilt wash over her.  She should be able to comfort him.  She was his parent now.  It was her responsibility. 

 

The sound of Raisa softly singing broke her out of her trance.  She turned back to the kitchen and poured a thermos full of coffee.  Four cups.  If Oliver were here, he would tell her to take it slow.  One cup.  Then breakfast.  But Oliver wasn’t here.  She took the travel mug back to her bedroom.  She had to be strong for William, and coffee made her strong.  She just wished she could turn her brain off, stop thinking about him.  If only for a second.

 

It hadn’t been a week, and she was already falling apart.

 

This was her new normal.

 

***** 

 

“Alright, William.  You ready?” Felicity asked cheerfully, as she slipped her shoes on and grabbed her bag.  It frightened her how easily she could change her demeanor.  It had just been a week, but she thought she was getting pretty good at covering up her sadness and worry in front of William.

 

“Sure,” he responded tiredly, “I’m still not sure what we’re doing.”  Felicity just grinned in response and opened the door.  She tentatively stepped outside, head on a swivel.

 

“It’s a surprise,” she responded, still cheerily, as she gestured William out the door.

 

The ride to the store was quiet, although Felicity was practically bouncing in her seat.  There wasn’t much to be excited about these days, but Felicity hoped that she could change that, even if just for a few hours. 

 

“Let’s go,” she said excitedly as she slid out of the driver’s seat and shut the door, barely getting her bag out in time.  She heard William huff a breath and inwardly smiled to herself.  At least some things didn’t change.  Her clumsiness still amused William.  She would take that as a win.  She wrapped her arm around his shoulders as they walked into the store.

 

“Let’s see…I think it’s this way.”  She let her arm drop as she skipped a little.  “Yes, here we are!” Felicity exclaimed excitedly, “The standing bag will be easier to install, but you might get too strong for it, so we should probably get the hanging one, and we’re going to need gloves for both of us and pads.  We should probably also get…”

 

“Ugh, Mom?” William interrupted her quietly, “Are you going to teach me how to fight?”  The look on William’s face was incredulous and made Felicity laugh out loud, even as she flinched at being called mom.

 

“No, you don’t want me to teach you how to fight,” she said with a laugh, “That’s something for your dad or John or even your aunt to teach you if she would ever answer a phone call.  I’m just going to teach you to work out your frustrations…productively.”  She shrugged like it was no big deal, but William raised his eyebrows like he wasn’t so sure.  Her spirit was instantly deflated.  “Do you want to learn how to fight?  Maybe, I could find you some karate lessons or something?”

 

“No, no, this boxing thing should be enough to start,” William replied with a shrug.  She couldn’t tell if he was just trying to appease her, but a win was a win.

 

 *****

  
 They had frequented coffee shops like this in the past.  Well, she had.  Oliver just always followed her there or, rather, found here there.  She smiled to her herself as she wiped down a table, keeping one eye on William, sitting at the bar working on some homework.  That kid probably has had way too much hot chocolate this past week, but desperate times called for desperate measures.  She wanted to keep him as happy as possible.  He was a good kid, adjusting relatively well to school, so she wanted to cut him a break.  Screw what all those parenting books said.  William didn’t need strictness right now; he was already strict on himself.  He needed love and caring, and she was his sole provider now.  That meant she got to decide what was best for him, not some book.

 

She continued wiping down tables, watching William, and surveying everyone in the shop, as well as people going in and out.  The steady pressure of her small handgun in the waistband of her jeans, hidden by the tie of her apron, was a small comfort.  She habitually pushed her non-existent glasses up her nose.  Although she had worn contacts for more than half of her life, she still felt the phantom pressure that she had grown accustomed to the last six years.  She smiled to herself remembering the first time Oliver had seen her without them.  It just happened to be in a coffee shop.

 

_Felicity had been sitting in a booth for the past couple of hours.  Her coffee cup precariously sitting on the edge of the table, with her laptop and tablet spread out.  It was a Saturday, a perfect Saturday.  It started with going to the gym.  Yes, actually going to the gym that she paid for and, hence, the contacts.  She was starting a New Year’s Resolution in September, turning over a new leaf, and that started with the gym.  When she returned home, the couple next door was arguing…again, and when they were still arguing by the time she finished her shower, she decided to go to the coffee shop.  She had been in Starling long enough that there really wasn’t an excuse for her lack of social life.  Who knows? Maybe, she would meet someone there.  That happened in movies all the time.  Granted she probably didn’t want anyone to see her in her leggings and oversized sweater with her hair in a ridiculously messy bun, but she deserved comfort this week.  Heck, she went to the gym._

_So there she was, sitting in her booth, headphones in, watching a Dr. Who marathon, while reading on her tablet, when she heard the familiar voice._

_“Felicity?  Is that you?”  His fingertips brushed her shoulder gently, causing her to shiver, and she quickly pulled the ear buds out of her ears._

_“Oliver? Hi! Do you need something?  Have another scavenger hunt you need help with?” She was trying to sound jovial, but her voice sounded high-strung, even to her.  It must have been the lack of sleep, staying up late coding and waking up early to go to the gym wasn’t really working for her…already._

_“No, no, are you ok?  You look…” his voice trailed off, and she just looked at him expectantly, tilting her head slightly to the side, challenging him silently to finish that statement._

_“I mean,” he continued giving her one of his sheepish grins, “Where are your glasses?  Don’t you need them to see?”  She dropped her head at that, trying not to let him see her laugh.  She might not know Oliver that well, but she could tell when he was embarrassed, and right now, it looked like he was mentally chiding himself for asking that._

_“Contacts today.  I went to the gym this morning,” she explained.  She noticed that his hand was still gently on her shoulder, and she smiled at the warmth spreading from it.  Based on his hand and his previously ridiculous question about her glasses, she knew that there was something between them.  He had been giving her personal tasks to work on for weeks, and she always accepted them, while silently challenging him.  She had her suspicions about what he was really doing, and she hated mysteries, but she found herself refusing to dig into it.  She wanted him to trust her.  She wanted him to tell her._

_“Oh, I go to this great gym near QC.  I think they give a discount to QC employees if your interested.”  She smiled up at him again.  Why would she want to change gyms?  He seemed to never make any sense around her, which didn’t add up with his pre-island, playboy ways, and she had to wonder if he was like this with every woman he talked to.  But, she shouldn’t kid herself.  She wasn’t the kind of girl that Oliver Queen would ever be attracted to._

_She cleared her voice and broke eye contact before responding, “Uh…no thanks.  I’m pretty happy with my gym.  I mean not happy exactly.  I won’t be renewing my membership, waste of ten months of money, but I don’t think I’ll be joining another gym.  I don’t really go enough.  Today was just a one-off.  Figured I should get something out of it.”  She swallowed quickly, trying to swallow anymore babble that wanted to come out.  Oliver just stared at her and smiled, making her throat go dry._

Felicity cleared her throat softly, trying to clear her mind of the memories.  How she would love to be sitting in a coffee shop right now, enjoying her coffee in leggings and a sweater again, with Oliver and William.  Instead, she was serving coffee in her now customary dark jeans and black tee shirt, cataloging every customer that came in.  She felt that pin pricks at the back of her eyes that were so customary this past week.  How did Oliver ever think that she would be able to do this without anyone, without him?


End file.
